I’ve become the Grieving Grinch with a Merry B*tchmas.

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

-Well, it’s like as if your husband who’s also your best friend got sick suddenly and died; it’s like that.

insert: awkward sarcastic laugh. Humor helps my grief.

-Honestly, I just don’t know what to say anymore when people say that phrase. It’s kind, people expressing compassion, but it has become a common statement people say to me when they find out about my husband’s death.

To which most days, I counter with the go to response,

“Ya, just taking it one day at a time.” -Which is true.

… but as we all know there’s always one person that makes things interesting.

And this person who I don’t know very well to begin with decided to elaborate. Out loud. To me.

Her improv in the Hallway-

I title, My Imaginary Widow Life.

Staring: Random neighbor in my apartment complex.

“I would be crying all the time.. I don’t think I’d be able to survive without my husband. You’re so young. and.. oh.. Dating would be awful. I know someone who their wife died. You seem like you’re doing ok. ”

End scene.

I wasn’t up for her role play anymore and thankfully I arrived at my door.

I sarcastically chuckled “ya” with a shrug. I believe she was trying to be supportive with her honesty, but it wasn’t the best pep talk to say the least. In my head…. I’m saying, “but you haven’t seen me at a grocery check out line! that’s where I really shine.” ;)

What grieving is like to me:

I don’t cry all the time.

I can survive without my husband, yet I miss him terribly and some days are harder than others.

I consciously have to stop myself from picking up the things in the grocery store that he usually wanted or putting things back on the shelf.

I feel normal one minute then angry at the little things next.

I tearfully smile when I hear his guitar being played by his daughter.

I socialize but it feels like awkward small talk.

Friends disappear and some old friends reappear.

Listen to his song playlist and choreograph dances in my head. Or wonder why that song resonated with him?

I laugh some days or cry and scream into the pillow others.

I accomplish something new but lay in bed wearing his shirt just to feel a hug and his support.

Taking a day at a time. Each day is different.

And YES! the thought of dating again, uh ya, It terrifies me. Stating the obvious was not needed to be mentioned. I have horrible crazy online dating stories, before I met Kris. Dating in general can suck.. Talk about Post Traumatic Stress Dating. Totally a feeling of it’s own just thinking about it. But come on, why’d she bring that up! I’m just floating through the “grieving stages” .

..Yes, I’m angry he’s gone, but I’ll settle myself with the many memories I have.

I’ll always cherish that chapter with him.

Ever since Mariah Carrey officially declared the holiday season with the musical note of her Christmas song this year, It’s been a slap in the face - missing a loved one’s, kind of mood.

If you lost a loved one we all can agree, Holiday season can SUCK. suuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkksss

The family gatherings, living far away from family and missing a loved one. It’s next level kind of grief. It hits different. I feel like I took 3 steps backwards into grieving.

Everything holiday that pops up becomes a reminder of not having him here for it. I just want to punch Santa. (Sorry Santa..)

It’s the songs, the commercials, it’s your loved one’s favorite pie you make every year - its everywhere.

Even the damn Elf ! because you remember your husband had your back and would move it for you if you forgot.. now when the stupid thing doesn’t move you result to “the cat must of touched it”.. and you feel all emotions at once wanting the throw it, laugh at it, and cry. -Which we all already want to do, but even more now. *Visions of myself yeeting the elf into the garbage disposal.

These days, while in the pick up line of school, I’m hoping no one looks in my direction. I’m constantly wiping the tears away getting it together. But Hey, on the positive, I don’t have to figure out a gift for him this year. Ha!

I’m fortunate that I have a great family and I will be seeing them soon, but I greedily want more… I want him back too! Since the rainy season in Washington State and another holiday approaching I’ve become

A Grieving Grinch with a Merry B*tchmas. As if you couldn’t already tell from my ranting..

I sit here on my couch totally eating a pint of cheesecake ice cream..

jealous of your FB and instagram posts…I scroll through..

you..

.. Kissing under the mistletoe.. pffttt.

All of the adorable family Christmas photos

with your matching pajamas….

While I take a Family photo in front of his grave. The only thing matching over here is the therapy with my kid. - cheese!

Pulling out the Christmas ornaments can remind me of a lot of memories. Some memories of us staying up too late drinking egg nog while building like elves.

sigh, My only Grieving Grinch B*chmas Wish is that you all are good to each other, genuinely love yourself and each other and take in those moments.

I do actually love seeing your Christmas pictures, treasure those moments.. Thanks for reading my rant it does make it easier. I can switch back. I’m appreciative of the memories I hold and cherish. It’s tender still and the holiday is such a family time and I’ll admit I’m a bit jealous.

I guess I share to say

Keep making memories, and think before you speak.

Be easy on people while out and about. We all may be having a moment of a grinchy b*tchmas.

I’ll be over here avoiding my neighbors and the awkward small talk.

Probably, fussing with the cat eating the tree and blaming her for things. I’ll still be embracing moments with my family… and maybe a little bit cussing at the Elf to make myself feel better.
I promise my Grinchy heart isn’t getting small. I’m Grieving and feels good just to B*tch.

Love and Hugs, Danielle