Happy Birthday. I can’t promise there won’t be crying at the check out though.

They say time heals and the pain will go away, but here comes another memory moment that rips into me. Today is Kris’s birthday and would’ve been 48 years young.

Kris was a guy that never turned down food.

:Pause: because this is where Kris would interject jokingly saying, “is that a fat joke?”

He was more of a doughnut guy than a cake guy, which always worked out for me, yum! but Mint Chocolate chip Ice Cream Cake was always the birthday request. My mom sent a candle for Kris’s cake last year, called the Magical Cake Candle. I was having difficulty lighting it for some reason. The suspense of how long it was taking me to light the candle had my anxiety going. I had already balanced the perfect amount of time I had set in my head for the ice cream cake you could cut into, but now it was beginning to teeter to the ice cream soup side. Kris leaned in closer, getting ready for his wish and probably adjusting since he had been patiently waiting so long. A blast of fire erupted from the candle, unfolding and revolving as it jolted into its high pitch Birthday song.

We laughed at the horror of the blaze almost taking off what was left of Kris’s eyebrows since chemo.

We followed up his day with a surprise birthday party thrown for him by our work family. We all showered him with food, laughter and love.

Today, I can’t help but wonder what he wished for that day as he blew what would be his last candle out.

Neither of us knew of course what was about to come.

That was the last time life seemed somewhat normal, yet, everything was set to change.

We truly loved and lived.

Kris had a history with Brain Cancer before I met him. When I met Kris he was in remission. He was honest about the possibility it could return. One thing that credit can be given to cancer, and that is, it gives you a haunting reminder. Do things with love. Kris gave everything his all. He knew life could be taken away anytime and he fought hard for it.

I’ll answer my own question, since I know he loved his life and would have only wished for more time.

Kris was always grateful for what he felt he was already given extra time.

His inspiration, determination, humor and strength was infectious.

Kris had a comedic way with coping when it did return. He would make jokes about death where we’d all say, Kris ! in that tone of disapproval and laughing at the same time.

I even have a picture of him holding two thumbs up on the plot he picked out at the cemetery when the possibly seemed more possible.

When Kris was re-diagnosed. I started to look at things differently when faced with reality of life. I started to question existence, purpose, life, death. Questions I never thought I’d be questioning until I’m older. In denial I would say it would never happen to us.

I remember I would get agitated anytime he would bring up the possibility of it returning. I understood he only wanted things to be easier for me in preparation. Yet, I wonder at times if preparing for possibly made it become the reality. Still, I was never truly prepared for the darkness, but we at least took advance of our time we had.

But it never was enough now.

During his battle and my own along side him, I started to take notice of being present in the moment while out. What I came across became a fun habit of searching.

I didn’t know I was doing it until Kris acknowledged my habit.

He said, “I love how you get excited when you find the beauty in something.” After holding a tiny scratch piece of paper I found convincing him it’s in the shape of a heart.

I was subconsciously desperately looking for joy after he was re-diagnosed.

What other choice do you have when the world you know and created together all starts to spiral and fall apart.

I was out on a walk and stumbled across a rock that looked like the shape of a heart. I was thrilled when I picked it up. Every once a while, while I was feeling a little consumed with the world. I would end up finding a tiny scratch paper or rock in the shape of a heart. I would even find joy in feathers I’d find, especially crow feathers. So began my collection of “my little sh!t treasures…” or “my trash treasures”.

My son made me a little heart one day at school and I of course proudly added it to the collection. My little treasures have their own special spot that makes me smile.- I’m not going to end up on My Hoader Life, -just yet.. -kidding, but what I found is keeping my eyes open while in the moment I found special signs for me. A feather, interesting rock, a piece of paper that looked like a heart. It made me feel not so alone.

We each have a story.

I’ve decided today, I want to tell my story about the good times, sucky times, and emotional times. I want to openly joke about what stupid things people say when they don’t know what to say to someone grieving.

How about laughing with me at the real encounter I had that I like to replay in my head at night.

It goes like this:

Grocery Cashier at checkout says, “Rotisserie Chicken is the best,”

to which I reply, “ya, my husband and I like it… he’s dead now.” Follow up with tears.

:End scene

(Seriously! As if going to the grocery store isn’t hard enough. Now I have to add another step to my mental pep talk mantra before going into the store.

Mask, Phone, Keys, List, don’t buy a bunch of produce that you let rot, DON’T OVERSHARE, and DO NOT CRY AT THE CHECK OUT. -I’ve cried a total of 4 separate grocery store checkouts. I’m running out of stores to go to. I’m about to just start asking if the cashier will take my health insurance for therapy.

Through the darkness I found my light through writing, watercolor, faith, dark humor, children’s books, self help books, and being able to laugh at myself.. (while I’m sure you can tell I’m still on the waiting list to see a therapist in-person. -I’m sure there’s more people like me. Making the best and I’ll share what works for me)

My pain is where my art was created in hopes a gift can be found in the light of it. I’ll share my own experiences as a caregiver, business owner, now grieving widow, and single mom continuing on.

I wanted somewhere where we don’t need to pretend everything is ok, and share embarrassing and vulnerable moments with grief and life. Embrace that there’s more people that are like me. Each going through the grief club that no one wanted to be a part of.

I hope this makes someone chuckle, pull out a paintbrush, find their own creative outlet, love on their loved ones, remember their loved ones, support their spouse, or write a blog because why not. -Life is short.

Happy Birthday Kris, thanks for being my inspiration and continuing to teach me things about life, myself, and how I want to live. I really do miss you. xo Dani