Relearning Happiness

I lost concept of time, since becoming a widow.

It’s foggy looking back.

It’ll be a year September 3rd. It still doesn’t feel real.

But here I am.. On the brink of a new beginning, rebuilding my life. Reflecting, gently, of how I’ve coped and looking forward to what’s to come.

Grief has become the shadow that follows close to me. Relearning happiness as grief tags along.

A slow dance of ups and downs. It dips me into flashbacks engraved in my mind.

I became captive to the memories and more when I realized some were slowly fading. I hadn’t heard him laugh in so long.

The life I once had, before he took my hand and rest it on his cheek that night. I’ll never forget the feeling of pure love from his eyes as he looked into mine. I didn’t need words for me to understand for what was about to come.

So, what have I been doing since that day. I honestly can say.. It’s fuzzy…

But I do know I’ve been trying my best.

Relearning happiness.

I fell into a dark place. Avoiding family and friends and places we frequented. I struggled to come to the surface. Put on a front for my child, but when alone, completely succumb to griefs’ dance.

I can honestly say it’s hold on me hasn’t become easier over time, I’ve become use to it.

I will never be the same person I was before. I grieve that loss too.

Maybe I hold on the tightest when it’s time to let go.

I’m painfully aware it’s not possible to push grief away,

sleep it away, smoke it away,

drink it away, work it away, or date it away.

It still moves with me.

Day by day, I’m learning how to move forward with it.

Healing where someday my scars become art.

A new perspective on life and how quickly it can all change.

I choose to find joy in simple pleasures.

I choose to be gentle with myself, as grief sways me.

As new beginnings slowly come for me, I can’t deny it’s triggering.

Looking for a new home without you by my side stings, but making steps towards a new life is exciting.

Rebuilding my career, leaving behind what we once built together brings anger, but I remind myself it is an opportunity.

Each day is a new day, I will continue relearning my happiness, and optimistic of what’s to come.

I spent what has felt like a long time in the darkness. Never thinking it would end..

But knowing the halfway empty to knowing the halfway full..

You’d be proud, I’m finding my light once again.

I miss you.