Why is it so hard for me to let go of 2021?

There’s something about New Years Eve this year that makes myself wonder. How could I be ever be resistant for the count down to a new year. I see many struggling just begging for the new year to come! Yet, I sit here mourning it trying to hang on to every second of what’s left of 2021. -But why?

2021 as for many of us, it has been a rough year, but my question stems from the end of 2020 into 2021..

Here we go:

2020 Kris was re diagnosed with Brain Cancer. Covid starts taking a toll on our family run business. The business was fortunately still somewhat standing, but Kris and I had many conversations as to what to do with it.

Kris had beaten cancer before and d*mnit he was going to do it again!

We both would be back working in no time.

We had been in business for over 6 years. Beat all odds and loved what we did, but it was starting to get hard and the pressure of our personal responsibilities (time off for chemo) and covid shut-down damage.. we were forced to close our 2nd location and on the verge of business bankruptcy.

I wasn’t ready to let it all go under. Kris loved what he did and I just deep down wondered if we gave up completely on the business would he lose his since of purpose and fighting spirit.

A carrot at the end of the chemo and radiation, I guess.

We also created a work environment we loved and there would be a lot of guilt, and let down, a pressure we put on ourselves. A job that gave me a sense of purpose for myself and I wasn’t ready to give that up.

Winter 2020 Kris was finishing up chemo and radiation but developed a blood clot and needed surgery. I was clenching onto hope, desperately wanting to wake up from this nightmare, but for the following act would be many more disappointments. I was served a court custody battle.

This battle began in Early Covid 2020 and lead into majority of 2021. One of the court days the judge enforced my son mandatory visitation travel in the height of covid to Hawaii. Of course, I was terrified! My business was failing, because I couldn’t even work on clients because we were shut down for fear of covid. I couldn’t accompany my husband at the hospital during chemo because of covid. But I have to put my son on a plane to travel to another state in covid. When there’s travel restrictions and not to mention the state with the most restrictions. Nothing was making sense of this covid situation, I didn't want my son or my husband to be at risk. There were no answers.

What was I suppose to do or not do?

The time came, I dropped my son off at the airport for his visitation to Hawaii, and as soon as Kris and I got into the car, Kris had a massive seizure. The universe made it where my son wasn’t suppose to see or be there for those hard days in the hospital. It’s still hard to show any appreciation of result that began with so much grief and pain. My mother intuition screaming inside and having to succumb to what’s present was pure torture. My heart with many concerns pulled in different directions.

I was left with only to focus on what’s in front of me.

This was the point of 2021, I felt like a dung beetle rolled up my world in a dung ball. A dung ball that reached the top of the hill, teetering.

Cancer became “stable”. We would have a great days and then for a brief moment something would make me question. I’d brush it off as radiation side effects.

Once walking in a parking garage, I could hear his shoe slightly drag. As subtle and odd as it was for me to notice. It was different. He drug his right heel. I knew something was wrong.

And away it went.. my world, as flying dung, sh*t, ball, catching speed, faster, and faster, downhill for the rest of 2021.

Kris’s words became slower and his right side became weaker.

The day came when Kris and I had been absent at work for quite a while. Our one business location that reopened was still trying without us physically working while we were trying to figure out his health.

We made the decision to sell our home.

Our beautiful home. It was our dream home that we found and fixed it up. We knew if his health continued to decline and our business continued to function the way it was, along with the lawyer fees, something had to change. We worked hard for that house. It was an amazing house with many memories. The question of what if he got better and we sold it for no reason constantly entertained my thoughts.. but the pressure from all angles was suffocating. Work was already on a thin balancing act. We knew it was for the best.

The day we got an offer on the house we were excited and sad it was becoming a reality. During conversation, Kris started to not communicate well. His words were jumbled. I tried to stall the sale so he could recover. See if words would become easier, maybe a medication fix? I just needed time for us to be able to make a decision! But time came to where I couldn’t stall any longer.

I was left wondering questions what would he say and I hope I did what he wanted me to do.

The feeling of making important decisions felt so alone without his input.

From then on, Kris could only answer by nodding yes or no.

Coming up with ways to word some questions as a, yes or no, became harder.

Each night, I cried fearing he’d be worse than the day before. Could this all just be a radiation side effects? Would he slowly return to himself? Or is this what life is now?

I held onto hope.

Within a few weeks, Kris drastically changed. When my son returned, he could visually see the effects in Kris’s health. He struggled with Kris not being able to play like he once did. He also questioned why Kris all of a sudden couldn’t talk as he did before he left. At first he’d shy away from him, but later I’d find my son reading him stories and Kris would smile.

Moving out

Walking out of my front door for the last time, I cried the most gut wrenching cry. A little because of material value; worked hard for it!

I was also leaving my neighborhood animal friends!

-You see, since my dog had passed away, I had decided to feed the crows.

I always felt bad because my dog stomped on a crow and killed it a year prior. So when I didn’t have any large animals to stomp them to death, I decided to pay my respects and buy the crows remorse with some nuts.

I didn’t realize how much the neighborhood animal gang had helped me through. There were many days I’d sit outside feeding the crows, squirrels, bunnies and birds, talking to them. I would sit out there asking the clouds and animals for answers…

The crows always accepted my offerings, but never gave me shiny things in return. So.. I think they still had feelings about the dog situation. Which is ok, I understood. I got more out of the bunnies peeking through the hedges for me and crows soaring down when they saw me come outside.

But! What I was most upset about was everything I knew of my life, was drastically changing, and fast! I wanted to hold onto control of anything!

I couldn’t catch a breath, and at that moment, locking the door one last time, I looked down and I see

a crow feather. It was a sign. Or… maybe they did want to give me a token before I left.

Either way, I knew I was on the right path.

We got an apartment close to work and my sons school.

Kris didn’t look sick. He just couldn’t talk or walk anymore much longer after we moved in.

And then it happened.

The moment rushed over me as I paused and I realized, Kris verbally stopped saying, “I love you”.

Only one can truly endure what it is like watching someone slip away into a human shell before their eyes.. It became harder to find hope. His once strong, athletic, legs that peddled him through those missionaries day were now a fraction of what they once were. His strong arms that he’d pick me up and throw me over his shoulder were now a memory I replayed in my head. His personality overly medicated, and his sparkle in his eyes became dull.

He was dissolving before my eyes.

I would question the professionals, if cancer wasn’t growing then what is wrong with him?

The nurse knew my name, knew my number, and there would be days I’d call more than once. I was that patient advocate. But I didn’t care if I got on their nerves! I was always kind, yet, I gladly advocated for him; We needed answers. Kris always gave the best medical attention to his clients. He deserved only the best care. I was going to figure this out.

What was worse is that Kris was brilliant in the medical field! He couldn’t talk anymore but I knew, he knew, what was wrong with him…he just needed confirmation of what it was. and Looking back, even if he could have verbalized it to me, would I have accepted it?

No, because I knew deep down and I didn’t accept it then. I wanted it to be a problem that could be fixed.

The dung ball sh*t was rolling down hot for its grand finale and there it was, cancer growing. The confirmation I know Kris was waiting for. He wanted to know he did everything he possibly could. He was tired and we exhausted all of our options for cancer treatments.

That night at the apartment, Kris pushed away his medications.

I knew.

We had already had this conversation so many times when he could speak, I didn’t need the verbal.

I already knew his wishes. I was so angry! I once again had to succumb to a plan out of my control.

I did the only thing I could control. I supported him and loved him.

He stopped the medication and for a few days he became more like himself.. I didn’t know how long we had. I could see his glow returned. He smiled. He even laughed, and played with the kids.

Then one night he grabbed my hand and held it to his face. He looked at me with so much love, a tear fell from his eye, and he smiled. I kissed him and laid on his lap and we both fell asleep.

As I slept, I dreamt for the first time in a long time. The dream was a memory of the very first time I told him, “I love you” and he told me, “I love you”.

When I awoke, I knew.

-Sept 3rd, 2021

So, why is it hard for me to let go —I couldn’t let go of 2021 because the thought of someday remembering him longer than I knew him, breaks me. In 2021, I never had the time to process the pain. I kept trying to control something! As much as I felt backed into a corner, I just kept swinging and moving to the next.
Writing this has helped give myself closure and grace to a world that rolled fast. I found my voice when I needed it. I learned to let go what I couldn’t control and put trust into the universe. The year ending doesn’t mean I can’t take the good memories in between all the hard ones with me. I know this is just one step of my grieving journey. One I know will never go away, but I can control how I will move forward.

I’m grateful for the time, the lessons, the love I was able to have, and the ability to still see love in life. I even have crows that visit my balcony. (I wonder if they’re the same ones! )

I accept all that is good for me in what’s to come in the new year. I don’t think that dung ball sh*t has much momentum left to roll into 2022, so here I go!